Therapists, misanthropy and playing the nice card

Recently I came across this website called 7cups.com which is a platform where people can reach out to 'listeners' who can be both untrained yet kind human beings or professional therapists. After talking to a few I came across someone who was actually interested in listening to my woes, which in the end of the conversation made me feel better, light so as to say. It led me to wonder... all these therapists would really run out of business if people's parents and friends actually made the effort to 'listen'. Why, I wonder, is it so hard? Why does one feel the need to 'fix' everything in their close, loved ones when there is really no fixing required. All that the person requires is an ear that listens, a head that makes no judgement and a mouth that does not... speak. 

Humans are the most selfish of the creatures walking this planet. Even in love, worship, which literally means treating someone/something more than 'oneself', they seek self-fulfillment, satisfaction of their own desires. Once upon a time I was not a very nice person, my thoughts and actions were all directed to fulfill my own deepest desires without considering the implications of it. As I grew up though I realized playing the nice card isn't that bad after all, maybe sometimes forgetting your own self-interest can actually make you feel good. Yet being nice is simply an exhausting job in this world full of bastards who constantly try to project their own frustrations into a person they think won't speak up for themselves, won't object to this inhumane treatment just because they choose to be 'nice'. 

The most painful knowledge is that for the rest of my miserable life (which I pray is as short as it comes) I have to deal with these leeches stuck in my brain, a bother. How I wish I was Light Yagami from the anime Death Note and could kill anybody! I'd probably start with the virtue signalers of Facebook, aha. :)  

Mine

This body is mine,

These emotions are mine,

Yet you send me shivering when you take my hand,

Can I call you mine?

This garden is mine,

The white and yellow roses are mine,

Yet you prick like a thorn when I tend to you

Can I call you mine? 

This house is mine,

These freshly red painted walls are mine,

I trap you inside the cages of my heart,

Can I call you mine?

This music I play is mine,

The art I create, just mine,

Each night my head weaving dreams of you,

Can I call you mine?

This life is mine and mine alone,

The air I breathe is mine to be,

But what if I tell you,

That with every breath I take,

I love you more and more,

Are you mine now?

One fine evening

It was one fine evening,
Sitting under a dark tree,
Amidst shared conversations,
I look into your eyes,
Reaching out to your warm hands,
Our fingers entwine,
Adorned with flowers like inseperable vines,
I press my face on your shoulders,
Heave a sigh,
Heaven I smell, heaven is thy!
Your breath like a cool breeze touches my neck,
While you play with my locks of hair,
Your laughter like golden bells jingling in a church,
Your face so heavenly, illuminated with star-dust,
You're my blue skies, my source of moonlight,
My sun and stars and all things bright,
I lean over and kiss your lips,
My insides exploding in a saccharine bliss,
Our lips dancing to the songs of a lark,
Sprinkling sweet sugary kisses,
As we sit making love in the dark.

Kishi's laugh

I didn't know what true happiness was,
Until the day I made my lover laugh,
The peals of his laughter over the phone,
My heart yearned for the sound to be my ringtone,
And over and over again since then,
I make him giggle every now and then,
Picturing his face in my little head,
Eyes glimmering and his cheeks so red,
Like fireworks bursting and filling the sky with lights,
The sound of his laughter illuminates even the darkest nights,
I wish I could capture his laughing face in a polariod,
Because I've known of no greater joy!!!

Sadness

Sadness,
I don't know where it springs from,
But on the eve of Tuesday it came again,
My good old friend sadness,
A friend? Not really.
More like that annoying neighbor that comes knocking when you're having a wonderful sleep,
Causing a disruption,
Refusing to leave,
Sometimes it comes announced,
Like a bad weather forecast the prior day,
Sometimes, not so predictable,
It's like a sudden gush of cold water on a winter morning that hits your skin like electricity,
Some people understand my sadness,
And some do not,
I can't decide who I feel more sorry for,
It's like introducing that bad friend your parents caught you playing with

Through years I've learnt to embrace sadness, 

Not only because fighting it is like snapping a rubber band only to hurt oneself, 

But at times when I feel I'm all I have in this World,

Sadness looms around, 

Smiling at me, 

My good old friend sadness. 

You

Do you know what I dream of?
I dream of watching your face,
In the wee hours of morning,
Your sweet beautiful face

I dream of your eyes,
How they flutter open,
Those soft dove browns,
I drown in their depths

I dream of your hair,
Wisps of them falling on your forehead,
I sweep them off your eyes,
They have entangled my heart

I dream of your illuminated skin,
Sun's rays streaming from the window,
Hitting your skin,
Our bodies sparkle in unison

I dream of your lips,
Slightly apart whispering sweet nothings,
I lean forward,
I kiss them

I dream of such days and nights,
Your face like the sun,
It sets and rise,
I dream of you,
And me,
And our entire lives.

The Whistler by Mary Oliver

“You can never know anyone as completely as you want. But that’s okay, love is better.” -Caroline Paul

When in love, we all ache to know everything about our object of affection, we wish to drown in their deepest sorrows and bask in their sunshiny smiles. Yet it is not possible to completely know the nearest and dearest to us. This poem by Mary Oliver is about the realization that how after three decades of living together, she still didn't know the love of her life completely. 

The Whistler

All of a sudden she began to whistle. By all of a sudden
I mean that for more than thirty years she had not
whistled. It was thrilling. At first I wondered, who was
in the house, what stranger? I was upstairs reading, and
she was downstairs. As from the throat of a wild and
cheerful bird, not caught but visiting, the sounds war-
bled and slid and doubled back and larked and soared.

Finally I said, Is that you? Is that you whistling? Yes, she
said. I used to whistle, a long time ago. Now I see I can
still whistle. And cadence after cadence she strolled
through the house, whistling.

I know her so well, I think. I thought. Elbow and ankle.
Mood and desire. Anguish and frolic. Anger too
And the devotions. And for all that, do we even begin
to know each other? Who is this I’ve been living with
for thirty years?

This clear, dark, lovely whistler?



Source- brainpickings.com

Violet

Startled, she stared at him with eyes wide,
Like saucers at the sudden turn of events,
In a second a monster unleashed,
From within what seemed like a space of calm wind,
Out came a shout, one so deafening,
Raising the hair on her arms,
As he raised a chair,
Almost ready to be hurled upon her,
She shut her eyes which reopened a few seconds later,
The choice of weapon was stuck in mid-air,
An angry, confused look on his face,
Slowly some sense kicked in,
With a look full of disgrace,
The shouts died down,
But her heartbeats did not,
Having finally witnessed the unimaginable,
'Violet, my child' his voice quivered,
Hands trembling at what had occurred,
Bursting into tears she ran out the house,
Into the embrace of her only mother, the nature...

Rant Machine

Life is like a shooting star, speeding beautifully but only to its ultimate death.

Disclaimer- This is going to be a depressing post about me ranting, whining and complaining and 100% guarantees to turn any mortal being into a self-loathing nihilistic, sad form of life (which pardon me, but aren't we already?)
Everyone believes in the power of positivity, on spreading happiness, sweet sounding things like those. But the most natural state of a being is grief. After a long time of seeking shelter in the bright side of things and then suddenly landing up in a state of complete despair and emptiness do you realize how fake  happiness or its counterparts really are.
Happiness does not ache our hearts, make our chests feel heavy with complete hollowness, it doesn't make us weak in the stomach desperately trying to digest the bitter truths and suffer the blows of daily life struggles, it does not mentally...fuck us up? Grief does. Man does not grow in the tender arms of love or we would've laid forever in our mother's arms. One has to face the battles of life, taste failures, and occasionally lie down in their bed at nights thinking of all the sacrifices they made to hold that light in the end of a long, dark tunnel only to realize that it is not there. Did someone take it away? Nah, it was never there to begin with- positivity and happiness just made that up for us.
People think that being sad is unnatural. It isn't. It is the purest forms of emotions which I feel should be felt just the way it is- the way sadness and loneliness can cut your insides with razorblades, scraping pieces of your skin, the feeling of your soul bleeding, it's amazing really. It makes you realize how much you can really endure while your heart just wants to bursts into flames any second, the inside of your brains keep twisting and give you a nasty migraine, you really wish you could take an axe and chop your head off your body because only a fool has the ability to always stay 'happy'. Someone in possession of a head tends to think, think and think and overthink about every bad thing ever which can have a tragic effect on their feeble mind and body. Next thing you know everything hurts so much. Whether it is the sound of the swirling fan above or the thunder outside, you feel like you're a part of everything and everything wants to attack you.

In the end it's you, you with your head which makes you feel bad about yourself and the world. You alone fighting this life, occasionally stopping to ask what is the bloody point? and then again succumbing to it, periods of slogging and moping followed again by a period of infinite sadness. A constant loop called life only to one day relieve you of itself.

Unconditional

These four walls woke up feeling incomplete,
Wee hours of morning saw you leave,
While I slept soundly,
Clutching on a 100 rupee note,
Tucked in by your beautiful hands,
That are as wrinkled as the surface of the untouched tea,
You keep in my desk every winter eve,
This house,
It has become silent,
With a face of dissapointment when I unlock the door,
It asks me where you've gone,
Prancing feet and loud phone calls,
Clattering of utensils in the kitchen,
Running bath and whispering chants,
And occasional painful groans,
It tells me you are its muse,
And that it misses you dearly!
Sweet love of mine,
I tell the house I share its pain,
My cold fingers once being kissed by you,
Now pick up your white strands of hair,
Never wanting to run out of them,
And I'd wait for next winter to come,
To see your tired pretty face again,
Sometimes complaining but mostly loving,
Loving with a love so unconditional,
It almost feels undeserving,
I wish I could lay the whole world in front of you,
Or turn back the time for you,
Or maybe just talk more on the phone when you're away!!,
But all I can do is wait for you

A lone wolf

Screeching owls atop these trees around me,
Casting a shadow,
Mine, lost among their intricate patterns,
I'm rushing through the forest,
Rustling of nature in my ears,
My quick feet flying,
Chasing my prey,
The bright, white moon,
Coming to a halt, I take a break,
Standing on the edge of a cliff now,
The stones tumbling down to the valley below,
Amidst the dead silence and a constant buzz of night flies,
I look up,
Eyes searching,
Sweeping across the painted sky,
But in vain,
I howl,
Calling out your name,
Where art thou my moon?
Shy or angry hiding behind the curtains of clouds?
I wouldn't know...
I have nothing left to say...
Helpless,
You are out of my reach,
All I can do now is whimper,
O' Darkness,
My companion,
Let's run beneath this sky devoid of starry light,
The moon of my life is unhappy tonight

Sweet Escape

Pour toi mon amour,
I write a sweet serenade,
For your ever honeyed words fall soft on my ears,
Human so gorgeous, a treat to the eyes,
Your creator I'd worship day and night,
Caught in this embrace of love,
Are embers in my heart,
Glowing and calm- like an undying love,
A strange yearning from the first day I laid my eyes,
Upon your two black marbled wonders,
Stare so soft, yet intense as a landslide,
The sound of your soul,
Like the broken, beautiful tune of an old piano,
Tugging on the strings of my spirits, Playing a melody- oh so familiar!,
And somewhere in heaven above,
Or maybe just inside my heretic heart,
Are dancing angels,
Chirping birds,
Bright auroras,
Such an ecstacy!!- tears falling down,
The entire being falling,
Falling in love with you...

Echo from the abyss

I lay here looking above at the swirling fan,
I close my eyes,
Now counting the number of mermaids swimming in the ocean,
Vast and deep like my emotions,
Each wave, a rush of seething pain
//
Somewhere stuck in an abyss,
Seeking a light long gone,
Is a part of me I try to part away from,
Dark like a night and cold as ice,
Trying so hard to break away from,
Yet it clutches my hand,
A tight grasp, my chest is heaving,
Tears rolling down,
Blinking through the pain, the tears, the blinding darkness,
Tunneling down a long channel,
Almost giving in,
Yet still fighting,
Struggling so hard to break free from this prison,
Calling out to a help so heartless, screaming until my throat burns out,
'What do you seek?' it asks softly,
Annoyed at my futile efforts to escape,
'Redemption' I cry out...
//
Still lying down,
Count at 234 mermaids now,
I can't sleep, should I start counting sheeps?
And what goes around and around in my mind,
Is the only question- how do I save myself from me?

City of lights and colours

Today was a really fun day full of laughter and positive vibes! Before I start, I want to assert that I have no intention of filling this blog with diary entries. It has always been and shall always be restricted to poems and prose.
Yet there are times when I'm too lazy to write in my journal so instead I type on this blog app which eventually ends up being a post (that I guiltily publish)
Since holi and our exams are approaching our Sir decided to throw a light breakfast for us. Quoting him 'Please stay after class. Bcom and holi ke khushi mei we are going to have breakfast' bcom ki khushi mei???... Everyone started laughing, heartedly at first, but very soon there was a hint of nervousness in those laughs when people realized what was coming. Now being CA students, we don't give two hoots to bcom, a course (as considered by us) designed for losers. Although in the end when it comes to the results we are ones who end up being losers since we don't study for that 'so called easy peesy course'
After cracking really cliche jokes related to coaching treats and shamelessly body-shaming the healthy people of our class saying 'Tanya se bach ke. She has an eye on your gujia' we embarked on our way to our homes. Wait, no!, not before suffering from the torturous 1.5 hours accounts class!!!
So while we were walking in a group, we came across a little kid asking for money. I'm very embarrassed to say this, I'm mostly a nice and kind person but with friends I can be dark, really really dark. Whenever a kid approaches us to ask for money I usually say 'Bhai mere paas khud nahi hai auto ke liye. Tum mujhe dedo' and that's what I did again... Except this time the kid was probably high on some holi business cause he accompanied us for that 10 minute walk playing kabaddi and was not letting my friends pass. One time when he said to me 'Bhagwaan aapka bhala karega' one of my friends replied back 'Are bhai! she is an atheist' which got me laughing so much. Anyway, we finally got rid of him after buying some namkeen for him.
Afterwards while I was in the auto, scanning the buzzing surrounding and passing shops, I was quite surprised at the fact that the city had transformed overnight into a colourful mela! Just yesterday, everything was as normal as ever and today suddenly it was as if all these gulaal, AK-47 pichkaris, yummy mithai selling shops had magically appeared! In addition to that, there was an array of beautiful bulb lights hanging from the above ready to light up the usually-boring evening streets! Since I was wearing all black today I was quite chill with the idea that someone might throw colours on me, which unfortunately didn't happen. Better luck tomorrow Sharvi.
I feel like another reason why my Sir gave us a party was because BJP was leading. When I came back home, it had already won with a crazy majority. One of the other things which made my day and my father's as well. Today was a lucky day to go shopping since he bought everything for me that I asked him to saying 'you can have anything today since BJP won' although I didn't really use that opportunity well, all I bought were some crayons (I don't even know why! Think the retardation of my rabbit is rubbing on me too) my brother did play a smart move though and asked for permission to cook shahi paneer for all of us for dinner.
That was all for today. I have to study for those 'so called easy peesy exams' now

The Cupid's Curse

Twilight descends,
The stars peek out,
High up on the trees the peacocks crying out loud,
And so does my heart with bitter longingness,
Crushed by this never-ending pensiveness,
Oh so distracted from the affairs of life,
Object of infatuation upon a pedestal in the mind,
Immense adulation for thy beauty divine,
An agape worshipper from day to night,
Like nocturnal moths attracted to light,
The yin of my pupil to the yang of your white,
In my stomach, a frenzied army of butterflies,
Chaotic and calm at the same time,
Rustling of the leaves, passing is a soft breeze,
Shivering is the skin, a charged contact from someone akin,
Buzzing, buzzing, like cryptic crickets,
Glowing, glowing, this divine spirit,
Enraptured now, taking in your scent,
Like plants of jasmine, putting up an aphrodisiac act,
Your sight so addicting, as I stand gaping unaware,
Legs now stone, lifeless, like Ozymandias in despair,
Paralyzed is this body, hypnotized is the mind,
Soul now dancing in a state of trance,
Is this the Cupid's idea of a romance? 

Musings of the day

It would be a lie to say that I love driving in the city. Ofcourse it's a comfort but however tiring it is, I always learn a new lesson while taking the public transport along the way back. Either that or just feel profound emotions that leave an impact on me for a while.
Today while coming back I saw a couple with a young kid. They were the saddest two people I've ever seen in my life. From what I gathered they were coming back from regency- a well known hospital in the city. I couldn't stop looking at them... It felt like the whole world had condemned those two people to eternal misery. Maybe they lost someone or were worried about somebody's health that they were close to, maybe they didn't have enough money to pay for the treatment, maybe the child with them had something going wrong with him. Whatever it was, blame in on the mirror neurons because soon enough I wanted to cry like a baby! It was too heartbreaking. I've never been the emotional kind but at that moment I had the heaviest of hearts. I meet a lot of different people everyday, a lot of them going through some kind of suffering I never knew existed, I never imagined would hit anybody. I went to have tea with a guy in my coaching today who I later found out was 24 years old and had dropped engg to do CA. He was at the same level as mine (keeping in mind that I'm just 19 right now, have no immediate responsibilities, no backlogs) while he had failed 4 times in this level and was again determined to give the upcoming exams. It's crazy how people still continue to persist... still have ambitions, are still motivated to make it work even if that motivation comes from fear alone which might be in his case, the constant nagging fear of how he keeps getting older and soon will have a lot of responsibilities in hand. Even after all this, people are still kind. Even if life continues to hit them hard, the force of the blow so fierce that some may crumble, they still are very kind and humble.
I also sometimes am amazed at how nice people can be. Whether it's the policeman who always waves a bye to me on my way back home, or the tea stall guy striking up a conversation about how the weather is, everyone... just constantly seeking for something human in this inhumane world of suffering they go through on a daily basis to make ends meet, to fulfil responsibilities.
All this makes me think how blessed I have been to never have much to worry about when it comes to prosperity, health or my relationships with family and friends. It does get harsh at times and it will in the future as well but the people I meet or talk to are on a different level of suffering which just kills me from inside.
In the end, I realize I cannot do much about it other than continue to better myself as a human being and shower love wherever and whenever possible. And never to hurt anybody because every human being walking this planet is going through things unimaginable, even if it does not solve their problem but a little smile and a nice conversation, even if about how harsh the weather is, can preserve their belief in humanity again.

Pizza or you?

Anxiously I wait for my pizza order,
Even more anxiously to catch a glimpse of you,
Scanning the crowd, night turning colder,
With an earnest desire, of which I never knew 

And so it arrives, my pizza soon,
Red sauce like your rosy cheeks, I swoon
Olive reminding me of your eyes so fine,
Dazzling, sparkling when they look at mine

I take a bite, oh those lips so smacking!
The crust, this crush, look there are fireworks cracking,
My eyes still looking for someone in blue,
The pizza has arrived but where are you?

Suddenly the world loses its colour,
Absence does makes the heart grow fonder,
A pizza left alone by its former lover,
I finally see you during a pink floyd cover

Deja vu!

One fine day,
and really the finest it was,
Out of sheer curiosity and boredom,
Or maybe just to satisfy my lonely soul,
Rather convince it again that there lies no another like it, 
Decide to explore an unknown world,
Slightly terrified and with little expectations,
Fingers dancing, clockwise, sweeping across this unfamiliar, unconventional world,
Chuckling and in awe at how technology can change anything but the deepest desires of the beings,
If only there was one to keep the Alice in me from falling and falling more into the wonderland,
And I did wonder/wander for a long time in this land,
But it was a dance without hope, a waltz without any scope,
Cursing myself now- what a waste of your time!,
Yet fate took a different turn and so I think (and so I hope),
A horizon so clear in front of me,
Fingers stop dancing, sweep to the right and take a bow,
Suddenly time is not wasteful at all, or rather every second flutters by happily,
Closer and closer I'm in a seashore now,
The sand warm against my feet,
Finding myself (or someone like me?)
The seashells screaming out my name, porcupine trees everywhere,
Falling now, falling into the sands swallowing me up,
Hoping to stay here forever, under the intelligent sun,
Hands moving forward trying to grasp the sun, the soul, hoping it's all real? Is it real?